Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1
by Xanas
Summary: A completely whacked out story that pretty much has nothing to do with Final Fantasy Tactics except the names and whatnot. Only read if you have a wierd sense of humor.
1. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

OaFe1

DISCLAIMER: This story made me laugh when I wrote it. I write things that make me laugh and just hope that others find it funny. The humor is very whacked out so you must have an equally whacked out sense of humor to read it. I don't care if you hate the story, but I don't care if you post a negative reveiw because I don't cry very much anymore when people bash my stories. The story is very VERY OOC so if ooc-ness makes you sick and want to puke, than don't read. I repeat this story is more OOCd than the creator of the word. 

Orlandu and Friends   
--------------------   
Episode 0.5   
The Hype Section 

**_Orlandu and Friends is the greatest innvention in the history of the Earth. No one thing has so greatly changed the way we live. Not even the internet._** - Jack Soogu (A really smart guy who knows everything about everything) 

**_If your life isn't touched by this story; then you had better check for a pulse. _**- My next door neigbor 

**_A wonderful story filled with romance, drama, explosions, and little bits of humor. _**- Me 

**_Um, your... uh... story... is... something. _**- Jay (He's cool because he goes by one letter.) 

**_Your story makes me ROFLMAO. _- **Holy Tiamat (The most influential martial artist of all time) 

**_*Mexican Accent* Hey man, what did you just ask me? _**Jhettley Rodrequiz (Mexican action star) 

Orlandu and Friends   
--------------------   
Episode 0.9: History 

_Orlandu and Friends began their first season in the year 1997 B.C. during World War Negative 34. It was originally written to make fun of people who are different, but after my Great(x1000) Grandfather Toddius Woddius was accidently 'run over' by the 'different' people his writings were lost for ages._   
_The history books tell of my Great (250) Grandfather finding the writings in 200 A.D. it was at that time he realized that he realized he was holding thousandsof years worth of gold in his hands so he dropped the writings and went and deposited the gold. When he returned wild anteaters had demolished the papers, he was forced to start from the beginning. Unfortunately, he was in to much of a hurry to start writing, that he sat down in the midst of the vicious beasts and was killed._   
_10 years before my birth. My Grandfather had a dream in which Cheech Marin told him to begin writing Orlandu and Friends. When he told his family he was locked up for life,and later, given the death sentence._   
_The threads of fate are cruel mistresses, and I have been handed the curse of writing these witty and intelligent documents for all to read._   
_These, are those tales..._   
_Oh yeah, most of the characters in these stories are copyright to Squaresoft._

Orlandu and Friends   
--------------------   
Episode 1; Chapter 1   
Yo Boyeee!! 

The Place: A wacked out office in a small house in Ivalice, out hero Ramza Beoulve approaches the desk and sits down. He stares straight at the reader (he can seeee you), and begins; 

"Hello, I'm Ramza Beoulve you might remember me from such games as Final Fantasy Tactics..." He paused "That's it. You might ask yourself 'Self, why hasn't Square made anymore games with that lovable do-gooder Ramza?' It's because Square IS TOO FREAKIN' CHEAP TO MAKE A SEQUEL. SURE!! CLOUD CAN COME INTO MY GAME, BUT DID I GET TO GO INTO HIS? NO!"   
He paused, and calmed down.   
"Anyways, I'm here to introduce the main players of this series... (BTW Square just kidding about that cheap bit, I love you guys.) 

Episode 1; Chapter 2   
Malak Galfana Age: 18   
Likes: Toys   
Dislikes: No Toys   
Fav. Weapon: Ninja Turtle ones   
Fav. TV Show: Toy Commercials   
Quote: "What? You have candy? Okay mister, I'll get in your car with you."   
More: Although Malak loves toys with a passion, he is very rough with them and most of his toys are taped or glued together. He usually buys two of every toy, just so he has more. Once he opens the boxes they are as good as broken. Rafa is his sister. Malak also has a wierd condition. Everyday he grows an immunity to a disease, and keeps the immunity. If he has the disease before he has the immunity, then he keeps the disease. He also has an immunity to death. He also has an immunity to Diabetes, Cancer, and Asthma. Although he has an immunity to Asthma he had athsma prior to the development of the disease. And although he doesn't have it, Malak's immunity to leprosy is useless as it's the only disease he will never be completely immune to. 

A Short Story Of Malak Malak woke up early every saturday for two things: To change his urine soaked sheets, and to go to watch toy commercials. This saturday would be different, today he had finally found enough money in Ramza's room to buy some toys (when I say 'find' I actually meant took). 

He ran down stairs and ate a quick breakfast consisting mostly of dryer lint (don't ask), soon he was off to the Toys IS Us. Unfortunately the store opened at 6:00 A.M. so he had to go home and sleep for another six hours. 

AFTER the store opened, Malak entered. He wandered their glorious aisles. 

An employee walked around the corner, and found Malak sitting on the floor playing with some opened toys. 

"Are you playing with toys you haven't purchased?" 

"Yes." He continued playing. 

The employee ran off to get the manager. They both returned shortly after. 

Malak stood up. "I'll buy this one." He said, showing them a busted Ninja Turtle. He took a step forward and stepped on another toy. "I guess I should buy that one too." 

Episode 1; Chapter 3   
Rafa Galfana Age: 17   
Likes: Electronic Entertainment (Video Games)   
Dislikes: Malak (with a passion)   
Fav. Weapon: PP7   
Fav. TV Show: Electric Playground   
Quote: "This game SUCKS! I'm only going to buy 3 copies."   
More: Rafa loves her video games as much as Malak loves his toys. The only difference is, that she takes EXTREMELY good care of her games. She has every system/game/peripheral every created. When she purchases ANYthing she buys four copies. One for main use, one for backup (for when they overheat and are destroyed), one for looking at, and one for her collectors case. She doesn't let ANYone other than herself touch her games. 

A Short Story Of Rafa 

Rafa ran down stair, it was christmas morning and she was very excited. She had   
asked for ONLY a PS2 and thought she had a good chance of getting it. 

She saw the lone present for her under the tree. 

She gasped 

"C-could it be?" She picked it up. "It's approximately the same size and weight as the PS2! Hmmm, it makes an equal tear in the space time continum. What bothers me is the low energy reading." 

She tore the present open and was dismayed. 

"A Dreamcast! But I've been GOOD this year." 

She glanced over at Orlandu who had a black rock in his hands. 

"I'll trade you this Dreamcast for that coal!" She offered. 

Orlandu clutched the rock to his chest. "No way! This is actually worth something." 

"RAMZA! You're a jerk! I asked for a PS2!!!" 

"You KNOW how hard they are to find. And you already have 3 you don't have a Dreamcast." 

"There's a REASON for that." 

Rafa stormed down the hall with her Dreamcast in hand. Malak came out of his room   
clearly he had just woke up, and was tired. He wore his one piece pajamas with   
footsies, he had a tired smile on his face. 

"Santa was here." he said queitly and happily to himself 

Rafa walked passed him and swiftly elbowed him in the head. 

"Santas not real." she said as he lie motionless on the floor. 

She slammed her door and sat on the floor. 

"Maybe I could use it to hold a CD in." She grabbed disk one of Chrono Cross and placed it in the machine. She didn't have it in properly and when she slammed it shut, the CD snapped. 

A smile crept across her face. 

This was turning out to be a great christmas after all... 

Episode 1; Chapter 4   
Algus Falgus 

Age: 19   
Likes: Fire, Starting Fires   
Dislikes: Firemen   
Fav. Weapon: Flamethrower   
Fav. TV Show: "10001 ways to fry things"   
Quote: "BURN BABY!"   
More: One word can describe Algus.. Pyromaniac. He has an unnatural attraction to them, he even has his own fire collection. He also has destructive tendencies and tends to break things he doesnt like. 

A Short Adventure of Algus 

Algus sat in his room, attending to his fire collection. 

"Hmmm, model 22-A is looking a little burned-out BLAAAAARG!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He laughed (because he meant model 22-C) he placed a log on the flame. Malak entered the room. 

"Hey Algus." 

"Yo little mini-dude. Want to help me clean my fire?" 

"Okay." Malak grabbed a flame with his hands, snuffing it out. 

"You freak!" Algus screamed. 

"Uh-oh!" 

"That was Flame Millenium Edition! That's IMPOSSIBLE to find now! They don't make it anymore!" 

"Sorry... but hey, it's only a flame." Malak turned to walk out of the room. 

"And you're only a person!" Algus screamed as he threw a flame at the back of Malak's head (it was a duplicate of Flame 2000 so he could spare it.) 

The flame bounced of Malak's head, and set fire to the roof. 

DAMN!" Algus screamed, he leaped out the window and flew down the street. 

"FIRE!!!" Malak screamed. The screams of the others could be heard echoing through the house, accompanied with '_AHHH! What's happening!?'_

Rafa ran to her room on the top floor, and began carefully placing all her electronic equipment into plastic bags and slowly lowering them out the window. From the window directly below Rafa's, Malak was throwing his toys out the window as hard as he could. The toys hit the bags, and all three objects were destroyed. Orlandu smashed through the window on the bottom floor, with the DVD player above his head. He was aiming for his carfully placed pillow pile, but instead landed on his carfully placed brick pile...head first. His head suffered minor injuries, but the DVD player is in hospitols and is not expected to make it.   
Mustadio ran out the front door with Legos, Marbles, and pennies from the couch. 

"Mustadio!" Ramza screamed. "Why didn't you get the important stuff first!?" 

"I wanted to start with the smaller objects and work to the larger ones." 

"Alright!" Ramza screamed. "Where's Algus. I have a feeling he's behind this." 

_And so, the Beoulve household was forced to move to the previously abandoned Ivalice Castle._

Episode 1; Chapter 5   
Mustadio, just Mustadio 

Age: 19   
Likes: Inventing things   
Dislikes: Cops   
Fav. Weapon: If it shoots, he likes it   
Fav. TV Show: Ones with guns   
Quote: "Make me coppa!"   
More: Mustadio is a sterotypical gunlover / inventor / engineer / Communist, he is always having shoot outs with the police and always inventing things. 

Mustadio set his sniper rifle up on the window of the abandoned building. His target would be coming by the building on the street 10 stories below in about 30 minutes. He always arrived 30 minutes early to prep himself for his mission. The day was November the 22nd in the year 1963. A Canadian chill blew into the area, Mustadio pulled on his coat and waited. The 30 minutes passed quickly and Mustadio was prepared. The man he was to kill passed by. 

"Prepare to meet your maker," Mustadio muttered "35th President of the United States." 

Episode 1; Chapter 6   
Thunder God Cid (AKA Orlandu) 

Age: 69   
Likes: 'Smooshin' bugs good'   
Dislikes: Black Fuzz (it freaks him out)   
Fav. Weapon: His trusty sword; The Excalibur... and rocks   
Fav. TV Show: Anyone where you can laugh at others misfortunes, like Cops or the Evening News   
Quote: HAHAHAHA!! He has terminal cancer! It's funny because it's true!!   
More: Orlandu is extremely self-serving and very rude. Anything he does will most likely benefit himself, whether it's punching out Ramza to take his wallet or helping old ladies cross the street in hopes of getting a reward (which usually leads to punching out the old lady). Orlandu is the very embodiment of power itself, electricity surges through each muscle and bone (figuratively speaking), he can floor a bodybuilder with little more than a slap. Tank in his way? He just has to walk into it (he gets run over, but at least it proves he tries to get stronger). 

A Short Story About Orlandu 

The Beoulve family, after having their house burned down, moved into their friend's house (Jay, Melusine and Flux whose wacky escapades can be seen every tuesday night at midnight on Global). Orlandu and Jay were in the living room debating on the purity of Diaper commercials. 

"It's softcore child porn!" Jay argued. 

"It is not! It's cute to see babies butts." Orlandu defended 

"That's what you said about that 'girly' site you found last night." 

"I think you should shut up." 

"Wanna go!?" 

"Let's!" 

Orlandu and Jay stood up and put up their dukes. Jay slammed his fist into Orlandu's stomach. Orlandu retaliated with a well placed face shot. Jay's nose bent in 90 degrees and Jay fell to the floor. Orlandu sat back down, and three minutes later Jay joined him (after regaining conciousness). They began getting into another heated discussion, this time about the creation of Candy Canes. 

"It's softcore child porn!" Orlandu argued. 

"It is not! It's cute to watch the creation of Candy Canes." Jay defended. 

"That's what you said about that 'Twizzler' site you found last night." 

"I think you should shut up." 

"Wanna go!?" 

"Actually, my nose is still kinda hurtin'." 

Episode 1; Chapter 7   
Ramza Beoulve; House owner 

Age: 19   
Likes: When everyone else in the house is either out, or in jail... perferably jail   
Dislikes: When Orlandu runs into his room screaming and flailing his fists.   
Fav. Weapon: The pen, unfortunately he actually believes its stronger than the sword... unfortunately.   
Fav. TV Show: Adventures of the Black Mamba   
Quote: Another day, another dollar (literally)   
More: Ramza is unfortunate owner and caretaker of the Beoulve household. There is no reason as to why this is, it just is. Ramza has to pay ALL the taxes and such, because the others claim it's unfair that they should have to pay. Ramza's job is currently a bank worker, he is extremelly unqualified for his job... how could he have possibly been hired? The only thing we know is that he makes $100,000 per week, and he gets excellent benefits, plus he gets an awesome office. 

A Short Story About Ramza Ramza sat at the desk in his his face in his hands, silently crying. He hated this job, but had signed a legally binding contracts stating he HAD to work here for 17 years, or until he was fired... he had only spent a year and a half so far. 

"Those jerks!" He cried. "They told me it was a contract that let me open a bank account! Dangit! I should have read that contract!" He broke down again. 

There was a knock at the door. Ramza wiped his tears, and started to look busy. His manager entered. 

"You're fired. Clean out your desk and get out." He spun on his heels and left the room. 

Ramza grabbed his backpack and left his office. Immediately after, the manager spray can after can of potpourri in the room. 

"If I ever see you or ANY of your family in ANY bank in ANY city in ANY country I will personally kill you." The manager said. 

"You can't kick me out of every bank." Ramza said angrilly. 

"I can. I OWN every bank." He then proceeded to load a shotgun. "Now, I suggest you leave." 

Ramza left the bank. Now, he had to make everyone else get jobs too. Even though he made $100,000 a week, it was always quickly depleted as his household sucked up the funds (in Mustadio's case this should be taken literally, and in Malak's case it should be changed to "Ate up all the funds" this should also be taken seriously). 

Continued Next Episode.... IF there is a next episode. 


	2. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

OaFe2ff

Orlandu and Friends   
----------------------   
Episode 2   
_Sequel to the critically acclaimed novel **Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1**_   


Episode 2; Section 0.5   
------------------------   
The Villians 

Ahh... the villians. What good book doesn't contain a villian? Well... maybe the Bible... unless you count Satan, but he was just misunderstood just like Jean Chretien. Anyways villians are those lovable do-badders that love to ruin the wacky escapades of our heroes. The crimes they commit can range from the mild (rape, murder) to the extreme (stealing candy from babies... actually, that's just sick). Sometimes, when authors want to add humorous plot twists they make the villians side with the good. An example of this is Monkey #4 in the intro of 2001: Space Odyssey; He -once hearing about the incredible power of the bone- sided with the Renegade apes to bash the Oppressor apes good unfortunately, as noted in his autobiography, because of Ape #4's treachery he was banished from both teams. He lived the rest of his life in the gutters of Ape Town (and later Apetopia and even later Los Angeles). His live was filled with drugs, booze and sex. It wasn't until the Ape Year 14 he realized that he was to good for this life and turned his life around. He got a job as a bricklayer for Apeford and Sons masonry company. Two years later, he had earned enough money to buy a good house in a good neighborhood, he found himself a good wife and had 7 kids. After working for 11 more years, he had earned enough money to start his own masonry company. He hired a few young masons and worked for a good 2 more years. His life was good... But that happiness was soon to be shattered when he got word that his father was dying of ass cancer. He rushed to his fathers side, and was there for his last breaths. Horrified, his mother died because of the shock. From this point on, his life went into a spiral. His wife left him for a upright walker. His children were the next to fall away. Two of his children fell in love (with each other) and moved away. Two more were eaten. One was killed in a wheel accident, when officials found her body she had a written confession in her hand that said she was different and liked other female apes. The other two apes were just annoying so #4 personally 'removed' them from the story. His company went bankrupt. He was also hunted by the Apeian Mafia. He was so stressed that old demons came back to hunt him and he became a drug addict again. He later died that year from an infection from a wound in a shoot out it the Ape-Father. His story, today, is an inspirational and tragic tale. 

Anyways, on with the story.. 

Episode 2; Section 1   
---------------------   
Ivalice's bad boy; Elmdor Age: ?? (All good villians need to be somewhat mysterious)   
Likes: Chocolate Pudding   
Dislikes: Not having Chocolate Pudding   
Affinity to Britney Spears: Wants her breast implants for a doomsday device   
Favorite fat-ugly girl from the tv show "The Facts of Life": Tutti   
Fav. Food: Pudding   
Fav. Weapon: Butcher Knives   
Fav. TV Show: Teletubbies   
More: Elmdor walks around blanket as a cape, he loves pudding more than life itself. He is a semi-ruler of a semi-country (A farm outside of Ivalice) and often attends the rulers seminar at Mount Rulrsemnr. He drives a '77 Convertible. Where ever he goes he is accompanied by the beautiful Celia and Lede the Deadly Assassins of Ivalice (or, as Elmdor calls them Caltdaoi). 

A Short Story Involving the Words 'Many' and 'Elegant' 

Elmdor sat at the table in his meeting room. The room had many elegant curtains, and a elephants eyeball mounted on the wall above the fireplace. He rested his head in his palms and placed his elbows on his desk. He had made another attempt to take Ramza's life, and it was another failed attempt. 

"All my life, I've never been able to complete one goal." A tear rolled down his cheek. "I trace my failed life to my abusive parents." 

Elmdor always blamed his problems on his abusive parents. The only thing is that his parents were both boxers and were only abusive to other boxers. They loved him like any good parent should. 

He rested his arms on his desk, and placed his hand on them as if he were to sleep. 

"Night after night I am tormented by failure, I pray that I not be long of this world." 

And that was the night, that no dreams would die. Pigeons are another story, there heads pop like popcorn. 

Episode 2; Section 2   
-----------------------   
Celia and Lede the Beautiful Deadly Assassins Age: 20 (both)   
Likes: Killing people   
Dislikes: Bringing Elmdor chocolate pudding   
Affinity to Britney Spears: Wants her dead   
Favorite fat-ugly girl from the tv show "The Facts of Life": The fat-ugly one   
Fav. Food: Anything but pudding   
Fav. Weapon: Fists   
Fav. TV Show: Candid Assassin Camera   
More: Like all good villians, Elmdor has two scantily clad girls as sidekicks. Celia and Lede are these girls. They aren't twins, but through the magic of lazy animators, they look the same. They are the only two people, other than Orlandu, who can kill someone with their bare hands. 

A Short Story About Two Beautiful Girls Alone Together On A Hot Summer Afternoon 

*CENSORED*   
"Okay." Celia said with a sly grin. "You first."

Lede walked over to it and   
*CENSORED*   
They left the room, and never spoke of the events.

Want to learn about the supporting characters? Find out in the next not-so-exciting chapter of ORLANDU AND FRIENDS 


	3. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

OaFe3ff

Orlandu and Friends   
---------------------   
Episode 3   
Stirke of the not-so-important characters   
_Sequel to the critically acclaimed **OaF: Episode 1, **and the critically criticized **OaF: Episode 2**_

In a world where you try to be important, is there really any room for the minor players?- Daveed Spaid (I think) 

Episode 3: Section 0.51238495630465   
------------------------------------------   
The supporting guys 

Remember The Lone Ranger? If you're my age, you probably don't. I'm not sure what his sidekick was, but could the Ranger be as good without him? Maybe, I'm not sure, I'm not even sure what Ranger-Man did for a living. I'll pick a better example: The Pilsbury Doughboy. He doesn't have a sidekick, but anyone who can toss their cookies at will then allow himself to be jabbed in the stomach is alright in my books. So, now that we've got down I'll continue with the adventure. 

Episode 3; Chapter 1   
-----------------------   
Flux Constipated; International Man of something-something 

Age: 17   
Sexual Orientation: Straight as a ruler   
Fav weapon: Bare hands.. when coated with spikey-steel-sandpaper.   
Favorite Show: SAILOR MOON!   
Favorite Cartoon Character: SAILOR MOON!   
Favorite Food: SAILOR MOO-... oh.. wait.. uhh... tacos?   
Likes: Girls   
Dislikes: Girls with BO, unless their BO smells like flowers, which isnt likely to happen.   
Hates: Daniel Naxi   
Favorite ugly-fat girl from TV show "The facts of life": The hot one.   
Affinity to Britney Spears: Wants to hump her butt.   
Motto: "I have a tattoo, and YOU DON'T!"   
More: Flux Capacitator is a good friend of Melusine, and Jay (see below) and shares the same apartment as the two (None of them are dating or married to each other). He has his own agenda, and his life is a mystery to some... except that he can't live without cheese. He is extremely skilled at pretending and can change jobs at will. Other than that, nothing is known about him. Nanaki is his arch-nemesis. 

A Short Story About A Guy Fighting a Neo-Naxi Krackoooo! Was the noise of a well placed kick smashing through 17 layers of finished wood, and landing a blow on a jaw. Flux was engaged in combat with his arch-nemesis Daniel Naxi (although Naxi is more of a moron than anything). Naxi staggered back word, turned his head, and spit out a mouth full of blood, teeth and jaw bones. 

"Your a weakling!" Naxi taunted as he rubbed his jaw. Tears rolled down his face. "I could beat you with both arms tied behind my back." 

"Then why am I beating you?" Flux asked. 

"I'm letting you win, just so you don't feel bad. When I feel like it, your toast." 

"I just smashed your freakin' jaw out!" 

"No you didn't, that was just a love tap." 

"You're friggin' stupid." Flux yelled. He followed up with his patented "Groin Basher" (which Naxi stole for his own sick little 'games'). The punch missed and landed in his stomach. Nanaki spit out even more blood, and some black stuff. 

Flux continued his assault by stringing in a 'Bicentennial Pushup Punch'. BAM!! Another well place stomach shot. Naxi now stopped spitting up blood, but continued up with the black stuff. 

Flux couldn't stop, he was on a roll. He ended the combo with a 'Screaming Monkey Deathlock Grip' and snapped Naxi's neck, causing him to hit the ground hard. 

"Daniel?" Flux asked. "Daniel are you okay?" He kneeled down beside him. "Daniel wake up!" he shook him. "Daniel this isn't funny." Daniel still didn't wake up. "Daniel please wake up! I'll give you all my pog!" 

Daniel's right eye opened up and stared at Flux. "First show me that you have some." He said. 

Flux screamed and punched Daniel in the stomach, this time drawing green stuff. Only the green stuff oozed from his eyes. Flux stood up, put his hands in his pockets and walked away whistling. No one ever noticed that Daniel was gone, and Flux was never charged.   
  
  
  


Episode 3; Chapter 2   
-----------------------   
Jay (Just Jay) 

Age: Old enough to get married   
Sexual Orientation: Fairly straight, but veers of the line a smidget (just kidding, he's straight)   
Fav. Weapon: Guns   
Fav. Show: Gone in 60 Seconds   
Fav. Food: Pizza   
Motto: "I'll KILL YOU ALL!!"   
More: Jay is the best car theif in the world. The only problem is that he knows very little about actual driving. He mostly steals the parts. 

A Short Story About His Escapades 

Jay leaned against the brck wall, and flipped up his coats collar. It was getting chillier out. He had to finish this job and get out. 

He was in the parking zone at the building where he worked. Every day he noticed a car, parked in his parking spot. It never moved and he was getting mad because of this. It was midnight and Jay had to wait for the last person to leave. There would be only five security guards tonight, but they would patrolling the entire building. The first guard would be this way at 12:18, then the second at 12:47. Jay planned to be at the car, and back before the first guard arrived. His mission was to steal something, anything from the car that would render it useless. Jay was looking over his plans, and remembered that there would be another guard a few feet away from the car. Fortunately, the guard turns his head away for 10 seconds, then looks towards where he was standing for another 10 seconds the guard could only see him if he was standing almost directly in front of him. If Jay ducked and walked lower than the guards head the guard wouldn't notice him. 

"ATTENTION!" A loudspeaker boomed. "TED AND FRED YOU ARE BEING RELIEVED BY JAKE, BOB, AND HENRY WILL BE WORKING TODAY!!!" 

"Dang!" Jay said. "A slight setback, but no problem." 

"ATTENTION JAKE, BOB, AND HENRY YOUR JOBS ARE TO WALK AROUND THE PARKING COMPLEX WITH YOUR GUNS DRAWN AND FINGER POISED ON THE TRIGGER!! JAKE, YOU ARE TO WALK AROUND THE CAR IN JAY'S PARKING SPOT SLOWLY. BOB AND HENRY GO TO OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE COMPLEX AND WALK SLOWLY BACK AND FORTH SLOWLY. WHEN YOU GET TO THE WALLS STARE AT THEM FOR A FEW MINUTES THEN TURN AROUND AND REPEAT!" 

"damn. Looks like it's time to go into badass mode." He said to himself, as he adjusted his gloves and pulled out two silenced pistols. "Time to head into high gear." 

*incredibley slow motion*   
Jay dove around the corner of the parking complex and fired off the rounds. He killed the guy walking around the car, the guard fell down and disappeared. 

*end slow motion* 

The second guard on the right side of the complex said "Huh? What was that noise? Huh?" and slowly walked over to the car. He looked back and forth and said. "Huh?" A question mark appeared above his head. He saw nothing and went back to his post, taking no notice of the fact that his pal was gone and in his place was a floating-rotating ammo box. Jay plugged a hole in the guard just as the left guard passed by. He saw Jay, and Jay was out of ammo. 

"GET THE INTRUDER!" The loudspeaker ordered. 

The remaining guard started firing at Jay. Jay ran around the corner and hid behind some boxes. The guard ran over to them and starting to walk towards Jay. Jay just continued to walk around until: 

"RETURN TO YOUR POSITION!" Was ordered 

As the guard was running back to his post. Jay strangled and killed him, then proceeded over to the car. 

"To easy." He said to himself, as he left from under the car with the muffler. He stood up, and looked at the muffler. Then ducked back under the car to replace it. He then fished through his pockets took out his car keys unlocked the car door, and drove off in the car.   


> Episode 3; Chapter 3   
----------------------   
The Great and Honorable Melusine (or Mely-nu-nu for all you mortals)   
NOTE: Melusine gets a different set of bio stuff

Age: 18 I think, she might be 19   
Race: She says she's an elf, but I'm thinking an American   
Job: I'm not sure, but she writes good stories.   
Motto: "JAY! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THAT OVEN! FLUX THE ELECTRICAL OUTLET ISN'T A 'PLEASURE OUTLET' THOSE ARE ELECTRICAL SHOCKS YOUR FEELING!"   
More: Melusine gets the worst job ever. She has to watch Jay and Flux because she's more mature. Wacky stuff does happen to her too. 

A Short Story About A Female American Elf 

Melusine was sitting in her kitchen, doing whatever American's do (besides drinking beer and shooting people, because she had just finished shooting a beer can). Suddenly thirteen ninjas fell from the ceiling, pick themselves up, dusted themselves off and got into their fighting poses. They starting flying around the room, and knocked over Mel's coffee. 

"I wish you hadn't done that." She said calmly, wiping the coffee off her lap. "I have a black belt in karate and a matching bag." 

Mel got into her fighting pose and slammed a fist into Ninja 1, killing it instantly. She kicked backwards and killed the Ninja behind her. 

Ninja 3 stopped. "Wait a minute! This is Melvin Unsine's house, right?" 

"No, this is Melusine." 

"Uh-oh." 

"Who are you guys?" 

"We're with the governement." The Ninja took a pen out of his pocket and snapped up the end. "You never saw anyof this." 

He pressed a button and a small light hit Mel in the forhead. The ninjas ran out of the building. 

"Stupid government Ninjas." She muttered and sat back down to her coffee.   
  
  
  


Episode 3; Chapter 4   
-----------------------   
Zalmo 

Age: Unknown   
Sex: Not yet   
Fav. Weapon: "My art is my weapon"   
Fav. Show: Anyone he was in.   
Motto: "I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beggining and the End"   
More: Zalmo is the hottest star in all of Ivalice. He has his own line of toys, like the ever-popular _Tickle-Me Zalmo_, and the popular _Zalémon _video game and toy line. Hes stared in movies such as Matrix 2 and three, and has his own cartoon series about four detective kids and their parrot who solve monster mysterys called _Polly-Doo Where are you? _. He also worked with Orlandu on a rap album that **_required_** three parental advisory warnings. He is also head of the Church and considered the most important man in the country. 

A Short Story About About A Pop Icon 

Zalmo walked down main street checking parking meters for heretics (almost exactly like a parking ticket, only with a Heretic Ticket you get killed). 

"Heretic...heretic..." He said as he placed large stickers on the windshield of the cars. "Heretics! They're everywhere. I should just order this entire town to be destroyed. That'll teach them to tick me off." 

And that was it, no long storyline, no witty punch line. Just a boring little story about the little a-hole he is. 


	4. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

OaFe4ff

WARNING: This episode has a little more 'offensive' material than the last three, but only for Mustadio's chapter as it says the word retard. So if you get offended by that then, oh well, lighten up.****

**Orlandu and Friends**   
**----------------------**   
**Episode 4; Chapter 1**   
**The New Red and Blue make a Different Color Seal - By Ziploc.**

Ramza called for a 'family' meeting in the backyard of their now torched house. (caused by Algus. See Chapter 1) 

"Okay, first things first." Ramza began. "Rafa, call the fire department. I have a feeling that our neighbours forgot to while they   
were laughing." 

"Roger." Rafa said, she ran off. 

"Malak, lend me your hat. Since I was fired, you guys are all going to get jobs. Meet back in exactly 30 minutes. I'll have your   
jobs ready then." 

**** 

They returned, Ramza had the hat filled with little papers. 

"Alright," He began, "everyone pull a name out. Each paper will be numbered, and contain a job. The job is what job you will   
apply for, and the number is in how many days you will start. Fifty percent of your profit will go to the family saving, which only   
I will have access too. Hat is provided by Malak." 

Everyone clapped, Malak rose, bowed then sat back down. 

"Sounds good to me," Malak said. 

Each of the family members reached into a hat and pulled out a paper. (they will be listed in the order they were pulled out in) 

1.) 3- Blockbuster (Orlandu)   
2.) 2- Convenient Store Clerk (Rafa)   
3.) 14- Police Officer (Malak)   
4.) 7- Bus Driver (Mustadio)   
5.) 19- Pop Can collector (Flux) - Even though FLux wasn't there.   
6.) 1- Human Body Shield (Orinas)   
7.) 31- Go back to school (Ramza) 

There were a few other names picked by some minor-supporting characters, but, for lack-of-creativity reasons, were excluded.   


**Episode 4**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 2**   
**Rafa and the Temple of Time.**

Rafa rode up to the 24/7 store on her bike. She entered the store but on the uniform and awaited her training instructions. The   
other employees just stared at her. The manager approached her. 

"Who the hell are you?" She asked. 

"Rafa Galfana, your new employee. I'm awaiting instructions." 

"We don't need any help, we never even placed a want ads. Now get out, and if I EVER see you or ANY of your family in   
ANY convinient store ANYwhere and in ANY country I will personally kill you." 

"Hmph, she can't-" 

"And yes, I own EVERY convinient store in the world. Plus I know what your family looks like." 

Rafa left the store and walked over to her bike. "Maybe I should go get another job, or maybe I should go tell my family not to   
go to any convenient stores... All this thinking is making me thirsty. I need a Slurpee." 

Rafa turned around and walked back into the store. When she entered a nervous looking employee was standing there and   
facing her. 

"S-sorry. Ma'am." He said. "B-but the m-m-manager told me to dispose of you if you enter again." 

Rafa snorted defiantly grabbed the cigarrette from her mouth and flicked it away (please note that smoking is a nasty habit, but   
it does make you look cool in this sort of situation. Although Rafa had no cig one minute ago, it was added to make her look   
like a bad mutha) 

"Bring it on." She said. 

The employee punch at her, she side-stepped grabbed his arm and kneed him in the gut. He fell like a well greased sack of   
potatoes.   
Rafa spun kick behind herself and caught another employee in the jaw. Both the jaw and employee were destroyed like a well   
placed knee to an employees gut.   
She turned around, just as another employee ran at her. Rafa pummeled the young lady in the stomach until she puked out   
blood. She then finished it off with a well placed throw right into the incinerator. 

Finally the manager approached, pushed Rafa over, and electrocuted her. Rafa's body was dumped into the back dumpster. 

**Episode 4**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 3**   
**Orlandu Busts a Move**

Ramza drove Orlandu to the local Blockbuster, where Orlandu was to sign up for a job. This time, they had an appointment. 

The manager met with them, and led Orlandu to the interveiwing room. They returned a half an hour later. 

"Did you know I was a communist?" Orlandu asked Ramza. 

"ORLANDU! No you aren't! I keep telling you that! just because you think everything should belong to you DOESN'T mean   
you're a communist." 

"This was scientific testing though." the manager said. "And Orlandu also seems to hate a certain ethnic group too, so he's also a   
Nazi." 

"But I also hate Nazi's so I'm a Contradictionist, and since I don't know what that means I was somehow proven clinically   
dead." 

"On a lighter note, licorice is half of at the convinient store and Orlandu is hired." 

"Twizzlers, eh?" Ramza said. "I think I'll pick up a pack or two at that store that Rafa works at. See ya." 

And Orlandu started his first day at work. 

**Episode 4**   
**----------**   
**Chapter 4**   
**I must be a Bus Driver because I'm taking you all to school.**

  
  


Mustadio entered the Bus garage to apply for his new job. He was absolutely thrilled with all the bright shades of yellow. A tear   
trickled from his face. 

"I see you like what you're looking at." A man said, walking out from the shadows. "Which one of my fine ladies do you have   
your eye on?" 

"That one." Mustadio said,poitning to one. 

"Ah. A fine choice. Josephine here is a fine lady, she'll do whatever you want for a small fee." 

"Actually, I have no money. I came here for a job." 

"Really. Well around here, they call me Ted the Bus Driver. I'm in charge of all the buses and bus drivers around here. I'll give   
you a little test." 

"Sweet. What is it." 

"You'll drive for us for a month. If you survive for that month you're in. During this time period you will be paid only 1000 gil for   
the entire month." 

"Question" Mustadio raised his hands 

"You only need raise one hand, but what is it?" 

"Do I get sidewinders one this bus?" 

"Not until month 10, for this trial run you get 'dumb' missles. From month two until month 10 you will get low quality heat   
seekers." 

"Okay. Do I ride one of these buses." 

"No no no, not until you're an official driver. Begginer's drive the retards ride." 

"Is that politically correct?" 

"FINE! The retard BUS!" 

"I guess that will do, but how can anybody survive that!?" 

"Usually they don't" Ted said ominouly walking back into the shadows. Be back here tomorrow at six."   
  
  


**Episode 4**   
**----------**   
**Chapter 5**   
**What ya gonna do when _he_ comes for you?**

Malak was sitting at the police officer exam table. The Ivalice police force was hurting bad for new officers so the entrance   
exam was dumbed down significantly. 

_Question 1:_   
_ You see a suspect in the act of commiting a crime. What do you do?_   
I wood shoot the bum and laff at his ded bodee ahahahahahahahaa! 

_Question 2:_   
_ You are ordered not to shoot. Do you?_   
Yes I wood 

_Question 3:_   
_ Chose which animal you think would best suit your personality. Explain._   
I choose what ever kills things just becuz. I choosed this becuz I like to do this. I like to heer Limp Bizkit in my stereeo. 

_Question 4:_   
_ How fast is too fast?_   
I go watever speed i lik becuz it's my way! my way or the highway! 

_Question 5:_   
_ Someone offers you $200 to look the other way. What do you do?_   
C qwestin won. $200 is 2 little. 

Malak signed the bottom and handed in the incomplete test of 50 questions. 

After careful consideration the Cop Comitee approached Malak. 

"We're sorry to say this Malak-" 

"I didn't make it?" Malak was sad. 

"Oh no, you made it alright. It's just that you will have to start at the lowest class... Grunt. And we can only give you a four   
shooter for starters." 

"SWEET! When do I start?" 

"How's now sound?" 

And so, Malak was put in charge of Ivalices safety.   


**Episode 4**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 6**   
**Mustadio must be a bus driver cause he's taking me to school**

Ramza pulled up into the school parking lot, holding Orinas by the hand. As soon as he stepped out of the car a gun began   
firing. Ramza held up the little boy and was protected by the on-coming hail of bullets. 

A group of teens stepped forward. "Hey," One said. "What's your name?" 

"R-Ramza I'm new at this school." 

"Cool. My name is James Wun. This is my posse. The two guys over there are Jacob Too and Will Three. The chick is Sandra   
For. She's my gal so don't touch her." 

"Hello." Ramza nodded. 

"I like you kid. Looks like you're going to have an easy time here. Stick with us and you'll go places." 

"RAMZA!!!" The principal yelled. 

"Scram! It's the Truant Officer." Wun yelled. The four people ran and left Ramza holding the dead Orinas. 

"So. You are in cahoots with those thugs? Planning on beating up my car with that child, eh?" 

"B-but I!" 

"No butts. After school, report to the Principal." 

This was the start to Ramza's very bad day. 

**Episode 4**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 7**   
**Jay**

Flux sat at his desk, with his feet up. He took out his pack of Popeye Cigarettes placed on in his mouth and attempted to light it. 

"Flux!" Melusine called from her desk on the opposite side of the room. "You can't smoke Popeye Cigarettes." 

"Oh yeah. I forgot." Flux said as he threw away his cig. He pulled out his pak, placed one in his mouth and attempted to light it   
again. Melusine just sighed. 

"Hey guys." Jay said, from his desk in the middle of the room. "Don't you think that it's strange that we were hired and then the   
boss and everyone else left?" 

"What are you talking about?" Melusine asked. "I work here, you guys just set up your desk and started playing ER." 

"Shut up STAT!" Flux yelled. 

"MELUSINE!" The intercom yelled. "YOU'RE STILL THERE?!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE. WE PLACED A   
BOMB IN THE BUILDING AND ARE TRYING TO KILL FLUX AND JAY!!! OVER!!" 

"ooooooooooooooh crap!" Melusine said. "We got to get out of here as action packed as possible. Jay, you take the stairs.   
Flux you take the window. I'll go down the elevator." 

"MELUSINE!" The intercom yelled. "WE PLACED SMALLER BOMBS IN DIFFERENT LOCATIONS. IT WON'T   
DESTROY THE ENTIRE BUILDING, JUST DESTROY EXITS. I'M ALSO SENDING UP SOME TROOPERS TO   
DISPOSE OF YOU ALL. I'VE DECIDED TO KILL YOU TOO BECAUSE YOU ARE SIDING WITH THEM!!OVER!" 

Jay ran down the stairs. "Crap!" He said, he swore horribly. "What kind of coincedence lands me on the 20th floor?" 

He arrived at floor 18 uneventfully. It was this floor, however, that he met up with the first wave of troopers. He dove behind a   
corner as the guards patrolled the floor. 

"Good thing I brought my silenced PP7 now with Tissue Piercing Power©. PP7 The Future in Killing Power." 

Jay loaded the weapon and peered around the corner. There was a guard no more than three feet away from him, facing away.   
Jay slowly turned around the corner and aimed his weapon. Later that day, the guards family was saddened to find out that he   
died of lung cancer. 

Jay moved the poor man to the side and walked slowly to the next intersecting hallway. Walking away in one direction was a   
guard down the hall in the opposite direction was another guard. Jay thought for a moment, then fired at the leg of one of the   
guards. That guard screamed and turned around. 

"You idiot!!" He screamed to the other guy. "Why'd you do that!?" 

BLAMM! The injured guard fired at the other guards forehead. One down one to go. 

Jay rolled into the hall, stayed curled up and began rolling at the remaining injured guard. The guard frantically reloaded, but it   
was too late, Jay uncurled pulled out an extra sPP7 and began firing randomly. He then curled back up and rolled away from   
the dead guard. 

He rested one floor down. What was happening to Flux and Melusine? Were they all right? 

**Episode 4**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 8**   
**Why yes... They were**

Melusine's elevator ride was uneventful. Flux adopted a new kitten, but other than that his trip was also uneventful. 

Jay ended up using the elevator too and the three met up again at their favorite coffee shop where they discussed their lives. 


	5. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

OaFe5

NOTE: I'm going to tone down on Sega bashing a little, as per X-treme's request. Although I have no idea who X-treme is, I will heed his advice. I find my Sega bashing chapter in last episode to be funny just because I like how I wrote it.   
**__**Last Episode....

After Cynthia found out that Peublo fathered her child she sacrificed it to Satan. Meanwhile Sir Jakob was having a swordfight with a hoard of Orcs. Tiffany and Marcus were lost in the forbidden woods and were forced to eat Ted.

What will happen this episode?...

**Episode 5**   
**-----------**   
**Chapter 1**   
**Rafa makes a discovery or It was like that BEFORE I knocked it out!**

"Ooooohhh!" Rafa groaned, as she pulled herself out of the trash can. "Why do all my adventures end like this?"

But this wasn't the end of her adventure. For you see; there was a car speeding towards her as we read/type.

WHAAAAAM!!!! She was through 50 feet in the air. Before she hit the ground, she spun around to land on her feet.

"You BASTARD!!!!" She screamed and zapped lightning bolts out of her fingers at the car. The car (who was already making a second run at her) suddenly stopped. The owner quickly got out of his car and glared at Rafa.

"Sweet!" She said. "I somehow got the ability to make people glare at me. I'm going to try this out on that happy-go-lucky Malak."

***BACK AT THE NEW HOME***

Malak sat in his room engaged in a heated argument with a small group of Army men and a headless Gundam Action Figure.

"Tell your boss I don't know where they are." Malak said, defensively.

"You'll regret this!" One of the Army men said. "Once we find the legendary Copper Tops we WILL destroy you."

The group of toys marched off through a hole in the wall. Rafa silently entered the room.

"Oh Ma~lak!" She said.

"Yes my sister?"

"HEYA!!!!" Rafa zapped Malak, who then fell to the floor and screamed/cryed/writhed. "Damn! I guess my powers wore off."

**Episode 5**   
**--------------**   
**Chapter 2**   
**No reason for this chapter break**

Rafa walked into the living room and slouched onto the couch.

"What's the problem Rafa?" Ramza asked, looking up from his construction paper and removing his reading goggles.

"I don't have no freakin' powers anymore?"

"Huh?"

"The manager of the 24/7 store said that if anyof us go back into any convenient store again she would kill us. She electricuted me and dump me in the dumpster. Through this I gained the powers to make people glare at me."

"Oh."

"If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room." Rafa said. She jumped into the air and slowly flew towards her room. Ramza didn't notice this because he was enthralled with his construction paper.

Rafa landed in her room and stopped. "Wait-a-minute!" She said. "I flew! Perhaps my super heroine powers are different than originally believed." Rafa spend the next half hour discovering her new abilities. After this informative half hour, she decided on a super-heroine name.

"I'll need an identity to conceal myself. I have no idea WHY I don't want people to find out who I am. I just don't. Alright!" She said angrily at you.   
She glanced around her room. Her gaze fell upon a picture frame with the words "Rafa Galfana".

"I know!" She exclaimed. "Rafana!"

With her new found abilities and new found name she created a super heroine costume. It was a black house-coat with Malak's Gorilla mask under the housecoat was a blue shirt with '1X' sewed onto it.

"Now." She said, satisfied with all that she had done. "I've got to find an arch-rival." She walked over to the window and gazed out of it. She noticed the Family Nemesis, Elmdor, across the street playing his imported Gamecube.

"Bastard." She muttered. "Thinks he's better than us just because he's got an official JAPANESE Gamecube."

**Episode 5**   
**-------------**   
**Chapter 3**   
**Rafana's first adventure**

Elmdor sat in his living room, trying to figure out just what the hell he was playing. His clothes were stained with pudding.

"As far as I can tell, I'm the GRAND COOKIE from some hell town." He said to Celia and Lede who were asleep since Elmdor fought the big head that kept screaming 'SAKAGURU!'

"I wish I knew why my head keeps floating around the enemies."

Suddenly, through the large window in the living room, broke Rafana. She blindsided Elmdor and the two rolled across the floor. Elmdor was screaming.

"Take this evildoer!" Rafana screamed.

Her violent-filled and hate-induced punches were finally stopped when Celia and Lede knocked out Rafana.

******

Rafana awoke, strapped to a strange contraption. Elmdor was standing before her bloody and bruised... His eyes were bruised shut. Celia and Lede were standing back.

"Hello, Rafana. I asume your awake." He said to a wall.

"That's a wall." Celia said.

"Okay." Elmdor turned and faced another wall.

"So is that."

"Well what's this?"

"Another wall."

"What the-? Three walls. Where are we?"

"In your secret lab. There are four walls."

"Wh-wha!? Are you on CRACK!"

Lede turned Elmdor to Rafana.

"Well Rafana. The moment of triumph has arrived. Now to finally unmask my arch-enemy."

"WAIT!" Rafana yelled. "You can't! I mean, you wouldn't be able to see me anyways."

"CURSE THESE MODERN DAY LAWS!" Elmdor screamed and started to pawed clumsily at his bruises until his eyes opened.

"Never mind. Today, I shall unveil my latest invention! The Shrinky Thing!" Elmdor guffawed. "I shall shrink you to Lego size and you shall be forced to live in my City of living Legos!" He guffawed again.

The wall behind Rafana opened. The thing Rafana was on turned around, allowing Rafana to see a large little Lego village, complete with a fire department, police station, Ninja Academy and little Lego grocery store.

Elmdor walked over to a wierd machine anf fiddled with the buttons. A blue beam fired from it and zapped. She was instantly reduced to Lego size and placed in the Lego city... 


	6. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

NOTE: This chapter was written quickly just to finish last chapters story.  
In my opinion it isn't that funny.  
  
Episode 6  
  
-----------  
  
Rafana woke up in a strange pokey room. She sat up and struggled to rub heyes. Strangely her arms were stiff and stuck at an angle, they could onlove in a circle.  
  
"Not again." She mumbled.  
  
"You have awakened, young one." Someone said.  
  
"Who are you?! Show yourself!"  
  
Out of the nonexsistant shadows stepped a smiling man, he walked like onf those crazy stop motion movies.  
  
"What the heck!" Rafana yelled, jumping up. The blood quickly returned ter body and she was able to move normally again. "A Lego man!"  
  
"You have spoken like the true son of god."  
  
"Son? and, God?" Rafana asked.  
  
Before the Lego man could reply his head was sliced from his body. Rafanouldn't stand MALAK talking with toys, SHE certainly couldn't be caughalking to them.  
  
"Young child of god!" The headless lego man called. "Why hast thou killee."  
  
Rafana ran out of the pokey house and onto the pokey streets. She noticed  
Jay drive by in a Lego SUV.  
  
"Jay!" She called.  
  
"Oh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-" Jay screamed as he took it into a lego pole, flyinhrough the plastic lego windshield and into a lego-brick wall and finallnto the pokey ground.  
  
"How did you get here, Jay?" Rafana asked.  
  
"Rafana? How do you know my name?" Jay questioned, wiping off his blood.  
Rafana removed her gorilla mask. "*gasp* Rafa is Rafana?!?"  
  
"It is true!" Rafa said. Removing her costume (she was wearing regulalothes on underneath you perverts.) "Now how did you get here?"  
  
"I come here every saturday for grocery shopping. I can't get enough of the  
Lego bricks in a brick that they sell here."  
  
"Oh, how do you get back?"  
  
"I eventually become a giant allowing me to climb up this cliff on thutskirts of town. I then walk through a magic door that reverts me back tan size."  
  
"You mean you don't get Elmdor to shrink you to Lego size so you can entehis town then the shrinking effect suddenly wears off?"  
  
"Oh yeah, I mean that happens."  
  
"How long does that take to wear off?"  
  
"3 days."  
  
"3 hours?"  
  
"Oh yeah, that's what I mean." Jay glanced at his watch. "We still have 3  
hours left."  
  
"Two hours?"  
  
"I mean that long."  
  
"What do you usually do to kill time?"  
  
"I cruise around picking up Lego hookers and running from Lego cops."  
  
"So besides the Lego think pretty much what you usually do."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Suddenly Lego Cops burst from the brick walls, screamed "Oh Yeah!" antarted throwing blood at Jay.  
  
(Authors note: It may have been the Kool-Aid man, in that case the rest ohis story will make a little more sense.)  
  
The Lego Cops (or the Kool-Aid man) then began filling up glasses witlood for the little children to drink.  
  
More Lego cops zoomed around the corner in a cruiser and began hitting Jaith lego sticks.  
  
Rafana, using her awesome power, sent the corrupt Lego cops against thall.  
  
"Run Jay!" She screamed.  
  
"You don't have to ask me twice." He replied, they both ran down the streend into an alley.  
  
"I hate these danged cops." Jay swore.  
  
"I do too... now."  
  
"C'mon." Jay beckoned. "I'll show you my hideout. I made it bisassembling a few blocks and building them back differently. When onerson hides in the hole there is enough air to last for about one hour, sith the two of us to hide out there we'll have enough air for two hours."  
  
"Sounds about right."  
  
***  
  
The hideout was quite small, especially with the 72 inch television.  
  
"Can't we take out this TV?" Rafa asked TRYING to get into the room, it wa tight fit.  
  
"Dammit woman!" Jay yelled. "Then what will we have to watch while we waior the cops to get bored."  
  
"We could talk, play games, BREATHE!"  
  
"No, we watch TV."  
  
"How?! We're to close to see anything."  
  
"There you go making sense again, you're starting to sound like Melusine."  
  
"I'll take my chance with the police." Rafa slipped out.  
  
"Good." Jay grinned. "More TV for me."  
  
***  
  
Rafa peeked around the corner of the alley. Two police officers wereating on another lego man, 14 feet down the road. Just about in front ohe alley was their police cruiser. Rafa hopped in and started it. The twolice officers heard the engine and glared at Rafa.  
  
"Time for Technique Qu359." Officer1 said to the other.  
  
Officer2 took his head off and handed it to Officer1. Rafa sped down thoad at the cops. Officer1 threw Officer2's head at Rafa. Suddenly Rafrew immensly in size and busted out of the police cruiser.  
  
The sudden increase in size sent Rafa flying through the air at ancredible speed right at Elmdor (who was eating pudding in his favorithair).  
  
"AAAAAAAA!" Elmdor screamed. Rafa slammed into him and both were sent the floor.  
  
"Rafa?" Elmdor said. "Where did you come from?" For you see, she was nonger wearing her costume (she had other clothes on you perverts).  
  
"Uh... I fell through the floor?"  
  
"There's no hole there."  
  
"I fixed it fast."  
  
"Oh, okay."  
  
She turned on her heels and boogied up the stairs and back to the Beoulvesidence.  
  
This was the end to the first adventure in  
  
THE ADVENTURES OF RAFA AND RAFANA!!!!!! 


	7. Orlandu and Friends: Episode 1: Jobless ...

NOTE: This chapter gets a little more violent than usual (my my standards anyways), nothing to graphic but I just thought I should warn you.  
  
Episode 7  
  
---------------  
  
Officer Malak or Police brutality at it's finest  
  
Day One  
  
7:12 PM  
  
Officer Malak and Officer McGregor cruised down minor street in his police cruiser AKA the Mal Mobile.  
  
"I can't WAIT for an excuse to shoot my gun." He said excitedly  
  
"Ha ha ha!" Laughed McGregor "Be patient Malak, you'll have plenty of time to shoot people with your gun."  
  
"But I need to know."  
  
"Tell you what." McGregor offered. "If nothing happens within two hours of our shift I'll take you to Rotten Ave to shoot some ladies of the night."  
  
"Hookers?"  
  
"Vampires."  
  
"DEAL!"  
  
The night went one pretty much uneventful for the first hour and a half. That was when the darkness of night was broken by the light of the Cop Signal, a badge shaped light shining high in the sky.  
  
"I'm needed!" McGregor said, getting out of the car. "Malak, you go on this beat yourself I'll find you as soon as possible when I'm done."  
  
McGregor ripped off his cop uniform revealing a cop uniform underneath, he jumped into the air and flew away.  
  
"Awesome." Malak said to himself. "Now to go beat up some minors in the name of Rafa."  
  
***  
  
"Damn boring night." Malak damned "I've driven in damn circles for damn hours and still no damn crimes, now I'm out of damn gas."  
  
Malak pulled into a damn gas station to fill up with damn gas. He placed the pump into the pump hole on his car and sat down against the car to light up a smooth cigarette (he doesn't smoke, but cigarettes make you cool). He also ate a jelly donut. He took a bite, oozing jelly oozed oozingly from the rear (of the donut) and dripped onto his uniform.  
  
"Dang ooze!" Malak danged. "Great now I'm going to need both hands to clean my uniform. I'm going to have to place my cigarette precariously on the gas tank of my cruiser.  
  
He placed the smoke down and went to clean his uniform.  
  
KRAAAAAAAAACKOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!  
  
The car next to the police cruiser exploded. Sending shards of car into bystander, killing all two of them instantly. It turned out that the car had exploded due to an explosion in the engine. Malak's cigarette fell to the ground and was snuffed out. Malak arrested the dead car owner and drove off to the police station.  
  
Day 2  
  
11:11 AM  
  
We join Malak, in the middle of a pull over...  
  
"...okay, I'll watch my speed next time officer. Thanks."  
  
"That's not what yo mama said last night."  
  
"Please sir! Quit talking about my mother like that." The traffic violator said, as if HE was in any position to correct Officer Malak. Malak pulled out his .004 caliber pistol and pointed it at the ne'er do well's head. "Officer!" The pathetic parasite to society pleaded. "My wife is in labor, please let me take her to the hospital!"  
  
Malak looked past the man to his wife who was obviously faking her pain because she clearly had cocaine under her shirt.  
  
"I am ABOVE the law!" He screamed.  
  
"What? I never-"  
  
click  
  
"Damn! Outof bullets!" Malak said. "I wish I never stop by that preschool on my way here and showed those kids how to fire a gun." He turned to run back to his car, but stopped and turned to the criminal. "Stay here while I get more ammo."  
  
When Malak got back to his cruiser the evil doer sped off. Malak hopped into his car and began pursuit. He got on the police radio.  
  
***  
  
"This is 916 K.O.P.s. Cop Radio, all cops all the time. Next up we have a dedication to the entire Ivalice Precinct from Officer Malak. Malak says there is an officer down and is in a highspeed pursuit with a suspected narcotics dealer.  Suspect has already killed two nuns, eaten a baby and run over a pregnant lady.Officer is requesting backup. This next song is Cop Killer on 916 Cop Radio...  
  
***  
  
The fleeing scumbag slowed down and drove onto a back road, no doubt hiding his COCAINE STASH!  
  
"I better stay down this road. I don't want to cause an accident." The lying scumbag told his pregnant wife, whom he was probably going to eat later. "The hospital is just over 15 minutes away down this road. I sure hope that psycho cop doesn't find us."  
  
Suddenly ten feet in front of the bastard the road exploded. The man glanced into his side mirror. "Why is the American Air Force involved?" He asked himself.  
  
***At that moment in the fighter jet***  
  
"Cadet James!" The Radio cackled "We need you to return immediately from your test flight for debreifing and refueling. Let me know what you think of the new jet."  
  
"Roger that." The Cadet replied. "I just want to try and hit this car first and I'll return."  
  
"10-4"  
  
***end of jet scenario***  
  
Luckily for the scum of the earth the Air Jet left from his distraction and went back to the United States. He (the baby eater) avoided the hole where he and his wife deserved to have been and continued at a steady speed down the road. The Hospital was in sight.  
  
***  
  
Mustadio set up his sniper rifle in the window of floor 7 of the Dorter City Hospital. A single wheelchaired man lie lifelessly on the ground below, his wheelchair in pieces. A single bullet had destroyed the man's chair.  
  
Algus stood behind Mustadio in the shadows. "10 points for the cripple. Now try a car crash victim."  
  
"Gotcha." Mustadio loaded another shell into his rifle, and began his watch.  
  
Suddenly, the door flew open Officer Malak stood in the doorway.  
  
"New plan boys." He said with a straight face.  
  
He told them of his idea, and the three began to plan their attack.  
  
***  
  
The lying son-of-a-witch sped into the hospital parking lot and sped to a stop. The two lyers sped out of the car speedily. A silent gunshot was heard and the criminal's car exploded. Cocaine fountains shot forth into the sky and covered the ground. The pregnant woman's dress ripped to shreds (she was wearing clothes underneath you perverts) and a bomb fell to the ground. Another gunshot hit the bomb sending the two drug dealers into the air.  
  
The man landed in front of a moving steamroller, and was comically killed. The woman landed in a nearby farm, owned by a homicidal farmer. She was also comically killed. She is now in the burger that you are eating. Malak was awarded a Purple Heart and a Nobel Prize and discharged from the force. Mustadio was arrested for the attempted murder of three people who he had killed. And Algus started the entire seventh floor on fire.  
  
Malak later sold his awards and is now living comfortably in his room at the Beoulve's Residence. The Man and Woman were never seen again. 


End file.
